Inamorata
by MayeBellexx
Summary: "Just tell me this, did you stop loving me?" He asked so quietly that I thought he was either scared to ask, or scared to hear the answer, or both. "Never. Not even for a second." Our eyes met and I saw something in them that I hadn't before... Me. I'd haunted him, and it was like I was watching him lighting up, casting out all the shadows.
1. Chapter 1

Dad once said to me that lives change like the weather. I didn't quite understand, until now, stood here in the hospital. 22 and still not old enough to hear the news I was about to. I rushed to the receptionist.

"My father's in here, Chief Swan? I need to see him, now."

"Miss Swan? Follow me," She told me, standing and leading me to a small room with a desk.

"Where's my father?" I asked.

"Please take a seat madam." She left, closing the door behind her, but I couldn't sit. I paced up and down. Why wasn't I with him? I was confused. I hadn't seen Charlie since I was 16, and here I was again come to see him for Christmas and… Why couldn't I see him? I got a call, saying he'd been admitted, something about icy roads and skidding, but he was fine right? A doctor walked in, clipboard in hand, breaking my train of thought.

"Is he okay? I want to see him." I demanded immediately.

"Please, take a seat." I did as I was told, and he sat opposite me.

"Charlie, your father… He was on his way back from the reservation, and came across black ice at 70 miles per hour. His brakes failed, and he skidded off of the road, rolling until he hit a tree." The doctor took a deep breath.

"He sustained substantial head trauma… On the way to surgery, he went into cardiac arrest, and we lost him."

Suddenly I couldn't hear the doctor anymore, my ears were ringing, my mouth dry and my heart racing.

"What? I-I just need to see him."

"Ms Swan, he's dead."

"But… I just talked to him on the phone…" I shook my head.

"I'm sorry, I wouldn't recommend seeing him, as the disfiguration to his face is quite severe."

"What?" I whimpered. I had this image in my mind of Charlie, and now it was ruined. My imagination was cruel.

"I have a list of funeral planners in the area if it's of any use, and you have full access to a grief councillor…" He was methodical, removed, and calm as he spoke. I was anything but.

"Yeah um, I'll take it. Thanks." I was in shock. This has to be some kind of mistake. Charlie was probably at home right now burning water in his attempts to cook.

"Do you have any close friends or family to stay with?" He asked.

"Yeah." I answered, standing up. "I've got to go." I all but ran from his office. I got in my car, throwing the sheet on the passenger seat and began to drive to Charlie's house. I parked up outside.  
I knew his car wouldn't be there, but somehow, I expected it to be there, dirty as always, parked up on the grass. I thought the lights would all be on, and I'd hear him shouting for his favourite baseball team. I thought he would scratch behind his ear and avoid my gaze and mumble 'some mistake they made huh? Kiddo, you know your old man wouldn't go down without guns and explosions. You're not getting rid of me that easy.' But the house was dark and deserted, and run down since I'd last seen it, only rubbing in the shame of my sin.

I suddenly felt watched, like my whole world had been turned upside down, and everyone was watching, blaming, judging... I started my engine in a hurry and stalled twice before speeding off to god knows where doing double the speed limit. In the end I found myself in La Push, not sure where else to go. I made my way to Billy's house. I parked the car and walked in the front door without knocking.

"Billy? It's… It's Bella." I called, my voice shaky and weak.

"Bella? What a surprise… What is it?" He welcomed me, until he saw the look on my face. I took a deep ragged breath.

"Billy, it's… It's um, dad. Charlie, was he here today? Of course he was its just…" I rambled. "I got this call, and… well… He's dead." I finally spoke the words out loud, my voice breaking and for the first time in 6 years, tears fell down my face.

"He's dead and they wouldn't let me see him, he…" I broke down into sobs. Billy signalled for me to come over to him. I sat down on his lap and he wrapped his arms around me while I cried. "He's gone, and I didn't get to see him. I should've been here all this time, I…" I couldn't speak anymore, just weeping. It was only the hot wet tears on the back of my neck that told me Billy Black was crying, because as ever, he thought only of others. He stroked my back in a firm, soothing manner, reminding me of how he had often done so when I was a child. Billy had been as much a father to me as Charlie for most of my life. It was only then that it dawned on me that I'd hurt him too. That it was too late to say sorry to Charlie, too late to make up the time now. I found comfort in the thought that Billy who knew Charlie better than anyone in this world was here with me now and I knew I couldn't leave.

"What happened?" He questioned, so quietly I barely heard him, as if he didn't dare ask.

"He hit black ice and his brakes failed." I recounted, a fresh wave of guilt and grief washing over me. We stayed like that for what seemed an eternity before he patted my back and murmured 'let's get you comfortable, we'll set up a bed and you'll stay here.'

When I didn't move to get up he simply wheeled us into Rachel's room and opened her old chest of drawers and handed me a baggy old t shirt and some cotton PJ bottoms, I took them and stood up.

"Thank you" I sniffled, wiping my nose on my shirt sleeve unashamedly as Billy left to give me some privacy. I changed quickly and put my hair up and out of the way. I felt like a child again. I padded on out into the living room and climbed onto the couch, draping a blanket over myself as I tucked my knees to my chest. Billy came back and without another word put the old beauty and the beast on his VCR; that was new before I was born. We sat in silent companionship, quietly crying, on and off.

"Dad? Did I leave my wallet here…" Jacob stopped mid-sentence upon hearing the movie; before walking into the living room or ever seeing me he called out  
"Bella? What's wrong?"

Billy and I looked over at him with tears in our eyes and he threw himself onto the couch besides me and held me like he had all those years ago. He cradled me against his chest, scooping me up into his lap and held me in a way that said he'd never let go.  
"What happened?" he repeated over and over, crying already.

"It's Charlie… There was an accident." I couldn't say another word, sensing this Billy took over.

"He's gone." He choked out as it hit him again. We all wept together until we hadn't any more tears to cry, and then Jacob laid down with me still cradled against him, threw another blanket over us and we watched the end of the film.

We all stayed there until the end of the credits without a word.

"I'm an old man." Billy voiced, almost making me jump. "I haven't a lot of time left, but I'd be content to spend it with you two. You've always been like a daughter to me Bella, well as a father I'm telling you it's time to come home. I don't care about Renee or your job, I care about you. We're your family." He couldn't stop his voice from breaking as a few tears spilled over his cheeks.

Just when I thought I'd run out of tears a fresh wave hit. I just nodded and cried, unable to find the words. Jacob squeezed me tight before getting up to help Billy to bed. For a moment I sat alone on the couch in the now dark room and all around me I felt shadows. Memories of playing hide and seek, of Charlie reading to me, the 5th grade talent show, and how embarrassed I was that Charlie stood up and went crazy cheering for me. It felt right to feel so small and broken. Jacob came back in and sat down next to me in the dark.

"How are you doing?" he asked. It suddenly seemed as if the years apart had caught up and for the first time I saw the changes in him; and he didn't hold me as he had earlier, now conscious that wasn't his role anymore, and I hated myself even more.

"Crap." I answered once again holding my knees to my chest. "I just, I want to go back. I want a do over. I want to be 6 years old and be playing in your tree house with you, and believe that Charlie was perfect and invincible and nothing would ever change, you know?"

"I know that feeling." He paused. "It's good though, that you feel like this. Sorry, I don't mean it like that, I just… It wouldn't be right for this to be okay. Nothing about losing someone is okay, it's only right that we feel this, or we wouldn't know love, and what is a life without love?" He rambled.

I sniffled but smiled, feeling his words strike a chord. I felt like this pain was a part of my atoning for my wrong doings. I quietly in my head told Charlie I love him, and felt a weird hollow calm settle over me. I took a deep breathe. One step at a time, that's how I would take this.

"I know I've messed up. I've got a lot to be sorry for, I hurt pretty much everyone I care about, especially you, and tomorrow, you have my permission to hate me, and to curse my name… but tonight? Don't make me sleep alone." I pleaded, laying my hand on his. He chuckled.

"You're a hard woman." He mumbled, but he picked me up and carried me to his old bedroom and tucked us in. When I woke up, it was like I was 16 again, feeling his arms wrapped around me. It was only when I stretched and woke up fully that I got out of his bed and scurried to the kitchen, anywhere not to be there and see the look on his face when he woke up and remembered.

I started making pancakes, and was half way through the bowl of pancake mix by the time a sleepy Jacob came into the kitchen, shirtless and in his boxers. I bit my lip and looked away, he wasn't an option anymore, I'd had my shot and thrown it away.

"Morning." I greeted him, sliding a plate of breakfast to him.

"Morning." He returned gruffly. After a minute of palpable tension between us he exploded.  
"I know given our track record I should have expected to wake up alone but wow, you've not changed a bit." He seethed into his pancakes, dissecting them and never looking up at me. I nodded, taking it in and looking up at the ceiling trying not to let his words make me cry, if only so he didn't say sorry and tread on eggshells around me forever more.

"Jacob." Billy scolded, slapping his son around the back of the head as he wheeled in unnoticed.

"No, it's okay, it's the truth. I'm sorry, I shouldn't have stayed with you, I should have known better." I apologised.

Billy grabbed a pile of pancakes and ran for it so to speak. He'd never been a fan of drama.

"Don't do that, don't act like some repentant martyr." He growled.

"What do you want then?" I snapped. He stood up and walked over to me. He brushed a piece of hair behind my ear before whispering in that ear. "6 years of my life back." He went back to his room got changed and left.

It was crazy to think that loss would take away what I did, but it was hard to see even in times like this that he was too hurt to put it aside. I let him go and stayed in with Billy, we started planning the funeral, and put on another movie when it got too much. Charlie's deputy announced his death on the news today, which ripped us apart but was also a blessed relief that we wouldn't have to make calls to let everyone know.

Within the hour we were bombarded with casseroles, cakes, and condolences. Everyone had guessed I'd be here. It hit about 3 o'clock and I felt like I was suffocating, seeing all the flowers and everything just reminded me Charlie was gone, so I went for a walk while Sue Clearwater helped Billy tidy all the paraphernalia away. I made my way to the beach where we'd used to go when we were younger and enjoyed the damp misty breeze on my face, and the way the stormy ocean seemed to be grieving with me. I sat on a driftwood log for a while, just staring out into the distance.

When I got back I sat with Billy and Sue and we set the concrete plans. The was a memorial to be had tonight where everyone was gathering to lay flowers and candles on the road where Charlie had the accident. It was the last thing I wanted to do but we all needed it. The funeral was in two days' time and would be held here in La Push were Charlie would have a proper ceremonial burial. It was only then that I realised I didn't have anything to wear, having not come prepared for a funeral. I knew I had a black dress and everything I would need at Charlies house. I took a deep breath before getting my car keys and stuff together.

"I'm going to go pick up some stuff from Charlies house." I told Billy. He offered to come but I declined. I headed out to the car and just as I started the engine Jacob let himself into the passenger side and scared the life out of me.

"I just want to say that I'm sorry for being a dick earlier, you don't need that right now, and please don't leave again. I won't let you, not now, not like this." He took the keys out of the ignition and held them hostage. "You can have them back when we hug and make up and you promise you're not going to leave."

"You're an arse." I told him, folding my arms across my chest.

"Promise!" He demanded.

"I'm going to Charlies house to pick up clothes for the funeral, now give me my keys! I promise I'm coming straight back!" I fumed, stretching out my hand and waiting for him to give them back. The dawning realisation of what an arse he had been hit him hard. He didn't give back the keys either. Double arse.

"I'm driving." He decided, sobering himself. He got out and came around, opening my door.

"No, absolutely not." I told him, daring him to defy me, which of course he did by picking me up and carrying me to the passenger side, buckling my belt and starting the engine before I could get out. I stared out the window the whole journey in silence until we hit the welcome to Forks sign.

"I really am sorry." He said rather abruptly. "I shouldn't have said any of that earlier. It just stirred up some old hurts, but it won't happen again. I just want you to know that I don't care what happened, I'm always going to be here for you. Let's just put it behind us, yeah?" He asked. I couldn't agree because it felt too much like sweeping what we had under the rug which sure, I did, but I couldn't.

"I think we need to talk and work things out. I appreciate you're willing to let go but I can't, not without letting go of the good stuff as well. And I'm sorry too for all it's worth."

The words hung between us in silence.

We got to Charlies house and it hit me all over again. I took a deep breath.

"You okay?" He asked, studying my face.

"Yeah." I nodded.

"Don't. Don't lie to me." He whispered

"What do you want me to say? That I'm being eaten alive by guilt seeing how he lived alone and let things deteriorate like this because he didn't have any reason to care? Or the I'm out of my mind with grief? Or that it sucks to be here with you because you're just another person who I hurt, and seeing you hurt makes me think of how much I hurt Charlie?!"

"That's the truth though, isn't it?" He asked.

"Well yeah." I huffed.

"You're only human. You had a journey to take and it took you away from here. You loved Charlie, you were his world, even when you left. That's not changed. Yeah? Where ever he is… You love each other. You came here with the intentions of making things right, you did your best in the end. Yeah?"

"I guess." I sniffed.

"I'm sorry, I just can't stop making things worse." He sighed.

"No, I needed to hear that." I admitted. I took another deep breath and opened the car door, he followed. I took the spare key from under the mat and unlocked the door. It felt all kinds of wrong to be here without Charlie, and I was glad of the company, because being here alone would have been awful. I walked around the place, surprised by how each tiny detail sparked a new memory. In the living room there was a present and card addressed to me. My stomach flipped over and I hid it in my bag before Jacob could see it. We went upstairs to my room and Jacob hovered awkwardly in the doorway.

"Come in, it's not like you've never been in here before." I waved him in, memories stirring again.

"It's been a while is all."

"Yeah well…" I dug through my old wardrobe and gathered some clothes wondering if they'd still fit, and found a black lace dress, black shoes, and my old purple coat. I took a few photo albums and packed it into a bag. I paused outside of Charlie's room, but the door was shut, and somehow, I couldn't bring myself to disturb his room. We left and Jacob insisted on driving again, and I tucked the spare key in my pocket.

The drive back was quiet but strangely comfortable, and I was grateful to have him here with me. When we got back Billy had heated up one of the many dishes people had made for us, so we ate, Jacob went back to his place to get ready, and Billy and I went to the memorial. It was moving to see how many people had showed up and laid down flowers, and so many people came and shook my hand and told me little anecdotes about Charlie. This one girl Angela who I went to nursery with came over and hugged me.  
"Jacob said you're staying in Rachel's old room at Billy's place, ugh, I can't imagine what you're going through. You're surrounded by amazing people though, I mean when my gran passed away last year… I don't even know how I'd have got through it without Jake. I'm here if you ever need to talk." She said sweetly, Jacob saw the two of us and rushed over.

"Hi," He waved awkwardly.

"Hi," I waved back, confused.

"This is Angela…" He rubbed the back of his neck and avoided looking at me.

"The 'girlfriend'" She finished the introduction, glaring at him a little.

"Oh! Oh… Wow. That's great. Oh, I think Billy want's me, I'll see you guys later?" I excused myself once again feeling like my stomach had turned upside down and the world was turning in on itself. I got straight in my car and left. I hadn't any right or business being so upset but I was, so upset that I left my own father's memorial. I stopped at an off-licence and bought a bottle of Bacardi, apple sourz, and a big bottle of coke.

I parked up and headed to the beach, hoping not to be disturbed. When I left Forks 6 years ago I was broken, and nothing really made me feel better, but drinking helped me feel numb. A friend was concerned about me after she found a stash of empty bottles and helped me get sober but tonight who the hell cared. I emptied out a bit of coke from the bottle and threw in the whole thing of Bacardi, and gave it a little shake to mix it. I'd finished the Sourz and was about halfway through the rum and coke when Jake showed up. I got up to leave but he blocked me, taking my coke and sniffing it.

"What the hell Bella?" He emptied it onto the sand.

"What?! I'm not allowed to have a drink?" I slurred, trying to push past him but just crashing into his chest.

"No what you're not allowed to do is slope off from your father's memorial alone and unannounced, go missing, and drink alone on a beach. You're also not allowed to look so hurt, I meant to tell you about Angela but…"

"But nothing, I left you, I don't get to be the victim here." I cried.

This time I did get past him, only for him to scoop me up and carry me back to Billy's house. He stripped me out of the clothes I didn't realise were wet and put me in one of his big old shirts. He climbed into his bed and patted the space next to him. I couldn't say no, I got into bed and without stopping to think, I wrapped my legs around his waist and held him far too tightly for someone who had a girlfriend but he didn't stop me. I'd meant to kiss him but I fell asleep before I had a chance.


	2. Chapter 2

I woke up rudely as sunlight came through the blinds, blessedly not too hungover, but I regretted last night anyway. Much as the feeling of Jacobs heavy body crushing me, his nose nuzzling into the crook of my neck, and his big hands somehow wrapped around my waist under my shirt, was everything I wanted… but now I knew about Angela. I tried to wriggle out of his grip without waking him but the second I moved he stirred.

"Morning," he murmured, rolling off of me. I missed him the second he did.

"Morning," I sighed. Sitting up, then standing up, then pacing. I felt so embarrassed and awkward, I'd never felt like that around Jake before but I did now. He wasn't my Jacob anymore, he was Angela's.

"How you feeling?" He asked gently, slowly sitting himself up.

"Crap, just crappy. I'm so sorry about last night, I know I said things… To be honest I feel like the inside of a commercial dumpster behind a seedy Chinese takeout." I began my apologetic speech.

"Whoa, whoa, whoa there!" He scoffed in surprise, getting up and pulling me in for a hug. When did he take his clothes off?  
"God knows we have history, it's not surprising it's come up. I'd be just the same, and I want you to know I'm here for you… And that you should shower, and brush your teeth… You smell like a mini bar."

"Oh God!" I cringed, rushing to look in the mirror. "I look like a homeless person." I wailed.

"That's okay, I still love you." He teased, but the words hung between us. There was an awkward pause where he realised his mistake.  
"I'm gonna go… Billy's out at a council meeting so he didn't make any… coffee…" He all but ran away.

"Make me some!" I called after him, bashing my head against the wall in frustration. I hopped in the shower hoping that the warm water would wash away everything I'd done. I shut of the faucet when it dawned on me that I didn't think to bring a towel.

"Uh, Jacob?" I called, already cringing.

"Yeah?" He called back from the kitchen.

"I forgot to bring a towel!" I burned bright red. After a long pause I called out "Could you… you know?"

"Oh, yeah, sure." I heard him scramble to the linen closet. He tapped on the bathroom door and I hid behind the mostly transparent shower curtain.

"You better not look!" I warned as I heard the door open.

"Nothing I haven't seen before Bells." He chuckled.

"Shut up you pervert!" I squealed as he held out the towel for me, his head turned to look the other way. I muttered some quick thanks and took it, wrapping it around myself.  
"You can leave now…" I reminded him.

"Never knew you were so shy." He teased on his way out.

"Such a dick!" I called after him playfully.

"Only to you sweet cheeks. Only to you." He laughed, clearly more comfortable than me. I tutted at him.

I got out of the shower and brushed my teeth, still flushed and cringing. I all but sprinted into Rachel's room to change, feeling naked even with the towel. Once I was dressed, and my hair was towelled off, I went and sat at the breakfast bar while Jacob was cooking waffles.

"So… Angela… How did you guys meet?" I cringed for the hundredth time, could I be any more transparent?

"Oh, you know, just mutual friends I guess. What about you? You seeing anyone?" He looked over at me, cocking an eyebrow.

"Nope, bout as single as a Pringle." I answered, not looking up at him.

"What, was there no one special the whole time you were away?" He asked, incredulous.

"Not a one. Bit of a dry spell I guess."

"No kidding." He remarked. "Well I've only been seeing Angela for a couple months so I can't boast either."

"Oh, I thought she said something about a year…?"

"We were friends before that." He clarified. Somehow that made it worse, made me more jealous. I hated Angela, she was dead to me.

"I see… and it's going well? You're happy?" I probed, realising just how obvious I was being. He just looked over at me and smirked.

"Jealousy looks good on you Swan." He teased.

"Hey!" I objected, but didn't deny. "I'm just looking out for you, I mean what do you really know about Angela anyways?"

"What happened to make you so cold and cynical?" He teased me.

"Nothing, I just think you should look out. She kicked sand in my face in kindergarten, she can't have changed all that much." I steered into the skid, making it seem like a joke. "But hey, don't take my word for it, ask her! Just don't be surprised when there's sand in your eyes and your tiny heart gets broken!" I chuckled, spinning on my bar stool.

"Oh, hi! Angela!" I squeaked in shock, wondering how long she'd been there.

"…Hi." She waved, unimpressed. I guess she heard me.

"Hey honey," Jake greeted her. "Don't mind her, she was raised by wolves." He kissed her and passed her a plate of waffles.

"I'll let you two… be." I excused myself, retreating to the living room. I put on the TV and tried to ignore their giggles and gross couple behaviour. They emerged about an hour later from the kitchen.

"We're going to the beach if you want to come?" Jake asked, the look on Angela's face told me I definitely wasn't welcome.

"I would love to but I should really do some work, I've got a few… deadlines." I bluffed.

"Oh, what do you do?" Angela chimed in, all smarmy.

"…I'm a college counsellor." I nodded, as they both realised I was full of crap. "Writing a leaflet on depression. Due Monday." I lied.

"Ah." Angela nodded. "We wouldn't want to keep you, let's go Jake" She toed him away. He gave me a face that said, 'why the fuck you lying?' and mouthed 'WHAT?!' at me, clearly shocked I was so ridiculous. I shrugged and mouthed 'sorry' back.

Oh God.

What a mess.

Might as well go and die.

Now that I was alone, the last couple days caught up with me and I slumped.  
I turned off the TV and laid down under a blanket on the couch and felt as though I had shrunk.  
It was moments like this that I'd missed Charlie for the past few years, but now he was gone it was even worse. He would have listened to me rant and ramble about whatever the problem was and then he would offer to shoot someone for me, tell me he knew how to get away with it, him being a cop and all, and we'd have both laughed. Then he'd order in from my favourite Thai place and we'd watch one of _his_ favourite films but it made me feel better all the same. I never did deserve him.  
I could almost feel the burn of a vodka shot, I wanted it so badly.  
I gave in, I threw my blanket off and grabbed my keys, and drove to the nearest store and indiscriminately grabbed a few bottles off the shelf.

"21st birthday party supplies" I lied when the cashier gave me a weird look, he relaxed and smiled.

I drove back to Billy's, but it felt too disrespectful to sit and drink in his house when he always hated drinking. I threw a few of the bottles into my hand bag and walked, I found myself down at the lake where Jake and I used to hang out. I sat down with my back against the tree we'd carved our initials in and I don't remember much after that.

I remember waking up in a strange place on a couch.

"You're awake? Good." Jacob huffed. I tried to sit up but brought on a wave of nausea, seeing this he passed me a bucket. Hot tears ran down my face as I emptied my stomach. I could feel that Jacob was angry, waves of hate were rolling off of him in a tangible way. When I was done he passed me a glass of water to rise my mouth out, I took it gratefully.

"What were you thinking?" He spat at me as I spat the water into the bucket. "You go off on your own again, for God knows how long, no one even knew where you were! I saw at least 5 bottles of vodka in your car, what's that all about? I walked all over looking for you, and found you passed out on the floor drunk with more empty bottles around you than I'd care to count! You better start fucking explaining!" He threw himself down in a chair as if he was completely exhausted with me.

"I'm sorry," I croaked, my throat was so sticky and sore. "I just… I was lonely and…"

"Lonely? I invited you out! And you can't seriously be telling me every time you're alone you get pissed and pass out?"

"Well I didn't want to go and 3rd wheel! I didn't need my nose rubbing in your relationship, and so what if I do? Besides when did you get so judgemental? We used to skip school and drink by the lake all the time."

"This is different." He glared at me.

"Go on then, tell me how!" I cried, wiping my nose on my sleeve. I'd never felt so pathetic, with my knees huddled up to my chest and hysterical tears running down my face.  
"You used to love me, like… really love me. We were happy, right? Then I left and I was a fucking wreck, I was messed up, I finally come back and Charlie's gone, but so are you. So are you. Do don't you dare talk down at me, I may be a fucked-up mess, but that's not your problem anymore, okay? Just go back to Angela." I got up and staggered towards the door.

"Don't do that, don't make me the villain here! I'm the one who found you passed out and looked after you, I'm the one who's been there for you from the start! I'm not the one who left." He looked so sad and broken which made me feel worse.  
"I know I'm with Angela, but I'll always be there for you. Always." His eyes pleaded with me to stay.

"It's not the same!" I cried, "You're not _my_ Jacob, you're hers!" I slid down the wall to the floor.

"What do you want from me?! You leave me, and expect me to be right here, waiting for you 6 years later? Is that what I was supposed to do? Was this some test?"

"If it was you failed." I spat.

"Bella you're a lot of things, but you've never been a bitch so don't start now." He warned. Part of me felt bad for saying it, but part of me wanted him to understand just how crappy I felt. The words flowed out of me whether I wanted them to or not.

"The longer I stay here the more I realise I was right to leave. Maybe I should have stayed gone, maybe I will this time." I stumbled to my feet.

"Bella…" He warned, but I was beyond it.

"Go fuck yourself. Or better yet, go fuck 'Angela'" I gagged at the thought, as I flung open his front door and wondered outside, the fresh air hit me, somehow seeming to make me drunker. Having not thought through what I'd do, or where I'd go when I got here, I made off towards the road but Jacobs angry, strong arms lifted me off the ground. He all but threw me into the passenger seat of his car and drove off.

"Just for a few minutes, I'm going to pretend I didn't hear half the shit you just spewed at me and get to the heart of this. Bella, you've got a problem."

"Where are you taking me?" I croaked.

"I'm taking you to the Clearwater's house. Billy doesn't deserve to deal with you like this, his life is hard enough, and I'm sure sick of the sight of you. Look, you need to get your shit together or you'll find yourself all alone."

"No, no, no. Please don't take me there. Jacob! Please! I'm sorry, I'm sorry okay? Jacob just take me home, please. I didn't mean it, for fucks sakes I didn't mean it! Don't make me go there, they'll hate me!"

"Better them than me." Is all he grunted out. I rested my face against the cool damp glass of the window and shut up. I'd gone too far and I couldn't go back. He pulled into their drive way and carried me to the door, probably scared I'd pull a runner. Sue answered the door, wrapped up in a dressing gown, and gave the both of us a sympathetic look.

"I'll take things from here Jacob, you go get some sleep." She patted him on the shoulder

"I brought some stuff for her," his voice broke as he choked up slightly, as he passed her an overnight bag I hadn't seen him pack. I felt like literal shit. I'd hurt him again.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry… Jake please…" I cried shamelessly.

"I think that's enough sweetie, you two can sort things out in the morning. Come on in." Sue intervened. Jake left without saying goodbye. Sue ushered me in as sobs rocked my entire body, and I cried like a small child.  
"Don't you worry about anything, not tonight. Leah and Seth are away at their cousins, so it's just you and me." She rubbed soothing circles on my back as she steered me upstairs.  
"Let's get you showered and clean." She smiled at me, all but pushing me into the bathroom.

I nodded, wiping my nose on my sleeve again. I struggled in my state to undress without falling over, but managed. I walked into the shower and wept as I washed myself. I was worse than a child right now, I was just a raw nerve, and I'd hurt the people who cared about me. When I was done I wrapped myself in the towel Sue had left for me, and opened the bathroom door.

"Here's your toothbrush honey." Sue passed it to me and I dutifully brushed my teeth. When that was done she passed me some PJs to get into, and took me back down stairs and let me sit in the living area. I sat on the floor with my back pressed against the couch for support. She came back a minute later with a hot drink for each of us, putting them down on the coffee table.

"Is it okay if I braid your hair Bella?" She asked sweetly. I nodded gently and she sat down on the couch behind me and combed through my wet hair, as she stared to French braid it. I don't know why but it made me cry again. She paused what she was doing and gently stroked my shoulders.

"Do you want to talk about it?" She asked.

"I don't know…" I cried. She started braiding again. "It's just been really hard, you know? Jake doesn't know but when I left town it was for his own good, I didn't want to leave. While I was gone I started drinking, and it got pretty bad… I ended up with alcohol poisoning in hospital a couple of times, but it never stopped me. Renee thought I was just being young and silly, that I was a party girl like she was but she didn't understand. No one did. I missed my dad, I missed Charlie so bad that it felt like I'd been punched in the gut and that feeling never went away. He would have understood. He would have stopped me, but he would have understood. There were nights I didn't make it home, passed out in a bush somewhere, but Renee didn't notice…" I gasped out through sobs.

"And when did all this start?" Sue asked sympathetically.

"Um… I'd been gone for a couple months I think. But the worst bit was about Jacob, I feel bad saying that because Charlie's dead and I miss him more than I thought you could miss anyone, but I miss Jake the same way, and he's right here in front of me." I took an uneasy breath. "Anyway, I fell in with a bad crowd, they were all drinkers but not like I was, I swear. They would have a couple cans of beer, or whatever just for the sake of being rebels, just for fun, but it was like when I started I couldn't stop. Like there was a switch in my brain that flipped and it was bye-bye Bella. I think I got into that feeling because when you feel nothing, you don't feel pain. Numb was better than empty.  
The only person who noticed something was wrong was this girl Natalie, and we weren't even friends, but she saw me pouring vodka into my water bottle in the parking lot outside of college and one day she just came up to me and asked me if I was okay and it all came out, I told her everything. She came over to Renee's place after school and helped me flush my stash, helped me through withdrawals and everything."

"How long did it take for you to get help?" She interrupted me.

"4 years." I answered shakily. "I was 20, but I felt like a child. At first everything was too much, like I would be late for a bus and that was enough to send me back, but eventually I got there and I was doing okay. When I was properly sober, like another two years on, I went to therapy and started talking about what had happened when I left Forks, and it was just so obvious to me that I needed to go back. So, I called Charlie and I can still hear how excited he was, I mean, he was trying to be all cool like it wasn't a big deal but I knew. We made plans for this week, I drove all the way down from Phoenix, I just didn't feel like flying, I wanted to make a proper journey home. I'd just gone past the 'welcome to Forks' sign when the phone rang from the hospital, telling me Charlie had an accident. It was like a bad dream, it was surreal. I still think they made a mistake, Charlie's probably gone fishing, right? But then I remember how empty and deserted his house looks and the funerals tomorrow, and it just hits me all over again. I was just about coping until I met Jake's girlfriend and it just threw me over the edge, made me feel like what we had wasn't special, like he doesn't love me anymore." I sobbed, hysterical.

"That's understandable sweet pea, it's a lot to take in." She finished the braids and passed me a mug of some kind of tea.  
"There are somethings we face in this life that are too much for _anyone_ to handle and stay sane, but we can choose another way. Like bamboo bends or willow tree branches sway in the wind, we can be rooted. When we're rooted we can't be blown off course, or away. We all need something bigger than ourselves to feel rooted, something bigger than all the hurts we face." She told me as we sipped our now slightly cool herbal tea. I moved onto the couch to sit beside her.  
"Do you want to stop drinking again?" She asked. I nodded.

"Yeah, I do. It doesn't help anything, it makes me worse." I agreed.

"Then I will do anything, and everything to help you. You've got a friend here. We'll keep going until we find something that helps you."

"Thank you," I sniffled, running my hand over one of the braids. "For everything, I don't think anyone's ever done my hair for me, or been so nice to me."

"Get used to it sweetie, that's what it's like here, we're all a big family." She smiled. "Now I don't know quite what happened between you and Jacob tonight, but I can tell you that even if it takes time, all will be forgiven. He's one of the most forgiving people I know, so don't sit and worry. The best thing you can do right now is finish your tea and get some sleep."

I nodded, yawning as she said it. She led me up to her guest bedroom and settled me in. I woke in the morning with a start, from a nightmare I couldn't quite remember. I was grateful that Sue had thought to leave a glass of water and aspirin on the bedside table. I took it and made my way downstairs.

"Hey Hunny, did you sleep okay?" Sue asked, bringing me over a glass of green smoothie.

"Ish. I had a bad dream I think." I took it dubiously.

"Drink up and we'll get started." She patted me on the shoulder as we went past me.

"Sure." I nodded. "Wait, started with what?" I called after her. "Started with what?!" I asked again but no reply came. I took a cautious sip of the smoothie, and downed the whole thing when I realised it was good. I washed up my cup, and went looking for Sue. I found her sat on the floor around the coffee table with her hands at her heart like she was praying.

Without words I copied what she was doing, and she took me through a guided meditation, I'd never even thought doing anything like this, but by the end of it I held peaceful which is something I hadn't felt in a long time. I felt lighter. When we were done she got out a piece of paper and a pen and smiled at me suspiciously.

"We're going to make a vision for your future Bella, so take a minute and think, what does happy look like to you? Do you have any goals?" She asked me.

"Oh, wow, that's not a hard question or anything." I joked, but it was a lot to think about. "I guess I want to feel healthy, like I'll never need to drink again just because I'm over it. I want to move home. I want to have happy relationships with what's left of my family."

"Who's family?"

"Um, Billy, Jake, I guess you are?" I answered awkwardly.

"Sure, sure, what about Renee?"

"She doesn't feel like family. She's never loved me like a mother should." I confessed.

"Okay so you want to cut her out of your life?"

"Yeah, I think I do. It just feels like she's holding me back." I nodded. "Am I awful for thinking that?" I asked suddenly nervous that she'd judge me.

"Absolutely not. You have permission to let go of things that hurt." She was sympathetic as ever.

"Whatever it was we did earlier, meditation, I'd like to do that more, like every day." She nodded and wrote it down. She asked me how I could do all the things I wanted, and helped me make plans so it could really happen, and it gave me hope that things could change, and things could change, so could I. We agreed that we would meet once a week to talk, and I felt ready for Charlie's funeral by the time it was time to go and get ready.

Sue dropped me off at Billy's. I paused outside for a while before biting the bullet and going on in.

"Billy it's me." I croaked out, throat still a little sore.

"Bella, come on in." He sighed, and I knew he knew right then. I went into the living room and sat on the couch and faced him.

"I just want to start by saying I'm not angry, I'm just worried, and disappointed." He told me, cutting me off before I could begin to apologise.  
"Bella, I understand that you're hurting, it sounds like you've been hurting for a long time, but you need to know you've got us here to help you through, and you won't have Jacob for much longer if you keep biting the hand that feeds you."

"I know, and I'm so sorry. There just aren't words for what I feel right now, but I'm trying. I'm going to get better, I'm changing." I explained.

"Just be sure you do, because we love you Bella! You are family to us and we want to see you happy, but you should know, you can't be drinking around Jacob. You won't know this, and for good reason, so don't let on you know… but Jacob came out of rehab about 6 months ago, because he's an alcoholic. You need to know that it's been hard for him to deal with you because he was in the same place not long ago, and Bella, even just from the stories we've heard from Renee, I know you're an alcoholic too. You two could be really good for each other, but right now you've been bad for him. Everyone makes mistakes but don't let this happen again." He warned. He left me to stew.

I couldn't believe what an arse I was. I had no way to know but it all made so much sense now, why he was so angry, why he reacted the way he did to me drinking. This was it, I couldn't let myself slip now that I knew what I knew. I got dressed and ready for the funeral, shortly after Jacob showed up to help Billy into his suit. I went to the car and got the rest of the bottles I had left, and started flushing them.

Jacob bust into the bathroom when he heard the chinking of the glass bottles hitting the floor.

"What are you doing?" He asked, stupendous.

"I'm flushing them. I'm done." I told him. He nodded slowly, and left me to it. When it was done I threw out the bottles and found him sat on the couch.

"Jake… I don't know where to begin." I sat down next to him.

"You don't have to, it's fine." He brushed me off.

"No. It's not fine, I was awful. I shouldn't have said anything I said last night, and I want you to know how sorry I am, and I'm not just sorry, I'm changing. I'm not drinking anymore. You were right to send me to Sue, she helped me. All I can say is I'm sorry." I rambled.

"Thank you." He nodded again.

"I just hope you can forgive me," I couldn't help but cry, I tried to wipe away the tears before he saw but I couldn't.  
"I'll never do that to you again, I wish I could take it back." I sobbed. I wasn't expecting him to but he pulled me into a bear hug and shushed me.

"It's okay, I understand." Is all he said but I knew he'd forgiven me.

"I'm also sorry for being such a bitch about Angela, she's been nothing but nice to me. I'm happy for you if you're happy, I promise I'll be less of a cow in the future." I sobbed a little more.

"I'm not happy though." He told me, as he released me. His shoes seemed to suddenly become very interesting to him.

"You're not?" I asked, not daring to hope.

"It wasn't working out. I ended it, I think I just need some time to be alone, you know? I think it was too soon."

"Too soon after 6 years? Or am I just making everything about me?" I asked, feeling guilty.

"Too soon after 6 years," He confessed. I couldn't help but smile on the inside, because I felt just the same. I leant my head on his shoulder.

"Quite the pair we make, eh?" we both chuckled. "I'm sorry about that too, you know?" I told him, he sighed.

"Will you ever tell me why you left?" He implored of me.

"I don't know, I don't think you want to know if I'm honest. I think it'll make things worse." I admitted.

"Just tell me this, did you stop loving me?" He asked so quietly that I thought he was either scared to ask, or scared to hear the answer, or both.

"Never. Not even for a second." Our eyes met and I saw something in them that I hadn't before... Me. I'd haunted him, and it was like I was watching him lighting up, casting out all the shadows.

"That's good to know." He smiled, a gentle smile that wasn't quite happy, but almost.

"Come on kids, we've got to go!" Billy yelled.

"Coming dad!" Jacob called out to him.

"I don't want to make things harder, but you should know… I'm always going to love you. I know no one knows what will happen next, or if things will ever go back to how they were, but I just want you to know, it's always been you. I'll always want it to be you." I wiped the silent tears from my eyes, and pressed a gentle kiss to his cheek.  
"Remember me, us, like that please." And with that I got up and headed to the car.

The funeral was everything Charlie deserved and more. He was buried on the res, but all of Forks showed up too. People exchanged fond memories, we all cried and healed together at the same time. I spoke about the father he was, and Jacob spoke about him as a father figure too. I couldn't count how many tears I cried but even still I felt happier, I felt closer to him. I knew this wasn't the end, as I heard all the stories people shared, it felt like I was making up the lost time.  
Sue came back to Billy's place with us and cooked enough to feed an army which came in useful when half the res showed up to grieve with us. Sam, Paul, Jared, Embry, Quil, Seth, and Leah. Jacob was weird with them though, said they were like some kind of cult or something, but cult or no, I was grateful they were there. Long after everyone was gone I went to go sleep in Rachels room, when Jacobs door opened and he stood there, tearful. When he opened his arms, I ran into them without a second thought.

"Just stay with me tonight, yeah?" He asked through sobs. I nodded. It was good to wake up in his arms again without guilt. Well… Too much guilt.


	3. Chapter 3

**AN:  
Sensitive stuff in this chapter, heads up and sorry  
xx**

That morning was like the calm before the storm now that I think about it. Jacob and I just laid in bed, we kicked off the quilt when we got too hot under it. I was amazed by how warm Jacob was, he was like a hot water bottle. At about midday Billy knocked on the door and yelled that if we didn't come out soon he'd get suspicious, which made us laugh, but we got up and made brunch. I got into the shower, and when I got out, he was gone. Jacob disappeared into thin air. I found Billy on his own, talking to the picture of Sarah he keeps on the mantle. He only did that when he felt like he was out of his depth.

"Is everything okay?" I asked, confused.

"It will be." He nodded at me, a sad smile on his face.

Time passed slowly after the funeral. I filled my time with things that needed doing. I called work and told them where to stick it, I paid to get my stuff shipped to La Push, and Sue is taking me in for a while. I tried to pay her for my room and keep but she wouldn't hear of it, says the day she'll take money off of me for staying is the day she'll charge her own kids. I hung out with Leah quite a bit, which was nice, she introduced me to Emily and Kim and we all get together now. We were watching a movie one day and both reached into the bowl of popcorn and her hand was so hot. I felt her forehead and it was just as hot as Jake had been.  
"I wonder if there's something going around the res, Jake's been boiling too. Are you feeling okay?" I asked her but she just smiled and nodded.

I went to Billy's place a lot, to help out, cook a few meals, that kind of thing. I never saw Jacob there though, I asked Billy about Jake and never got a real answer. 'He's been busy', 'he's visiting cousins', and the last one 'he's sick, too sick to see anyone right now.' It all seemed like bullshit to me, but I remembered how hot he was that morning, how I was sweating just to be near him. Maybe he was sick. Either way I've been doing a few hours at Sue's diner as a thank you, and got a job interview for the res high school's therapist. I got the job, we were just waiting on a background check and their really slow HR department to kick in. It didn't fill the gap of having Jacob around though. When I thought about it, I realised it had been about 2 months since I'd seen him. It also hit me that if whatever he had was contagious, I'd been exposed to it already by Leah, which meant there was no reason I couldn't go and see him. I made up my mind that I would see him soon.

"Bella?" Leah asked, panting and propping herself up against my bedroom door frame, snapping me out of my thoughts.

"I could be wrong but I don't think potatoes are supposed to catch fire;8 I need help…" She ran back down stairs and I followed.

"You what now?" I chuckled in disbelief. She wasn't exaggerating, she'd started a small fire in the pan. She ran around in circles not sure what to do. I just threw a metal side saver over the top of it, cutting its oxygen supply.

"What happened?" I asked her with a tinkering giggle.

"I was trying to make dinner." She nodded, trying to sweep it past me that she's never cooked, and it was odd that she starts now.

"What put that idea in your head you crazy lady? You couldn't tell a pumpkin from a squash Lee!" I teased.

"I've got a… someone's coming over." She confessed.

"A gentleman caller?" I taunted, in a haughty accent.

"Oh my God shut up." She cringed.

"Well I can chaperone you if that helps, I mean, are his intentions honourable?" I needled her further.

"Just help me," She relented.

"What where you trying to make?" I asked. "And how long do we have?"

"I was trying to make that thing with the mash on top… You know… British people eat it. Ugh, he's going to be here in an hour…" She stressed.

"What, like Shepard's pie? And don't worry, that's plenty of time to make something." I guessed. "How does curry sound?" I asked.

"Amazing, as long as you make it plausibly bad enough that I could've made it." She prayed of me.

"Wow! He must be really special!" I jaunted. She gave a dry laugh as if I'd made the understatement of the year, and I was happy for her. I heard that she'd been engaged to this guy Sam, and he just up and left her for her cousin Emily, but she's somehow managed to stay friends with her. It defied all understanding really, but it was just testimony of how strong Leah was, how unbreakable too.

"He really is." She nodded, looking nauseous with nerves.

I made a Dupiaza and sent her to the store to pick up some naan breads, and subtly sloped off before he arrived, giving her the house to herself as Sue and Seth were working at the diner. I found myself walking back to the lake. Being here sober was different, it didn't seem as forlorn. I could hear myself snorting with laughter as Jake made a fool of himself, I could see us swinging from the rope on the tree into the lake, and I remembered how it felt to carve our initials into the tree, like it was being carved into us too. I heard twigs snapping and felt watched, so I left. Something about rushing away from this place stirred old memories.

 **Flashback:**

"I love you," He whispered in the dark room we were supposed to be sleeping in. My heart fluttered to hear it, I went dumb for a minute, unable to speak. He nudged me, as if to say, 'this is the part where you say something' and I snapped out of my reverie.

"I love you more." I pressed my lips to his. The feeling of just being there, skin to skin, hearts on sleeves was everything. His lips turned up into a boyish smile that made me giggle.

"That's not possible." He disagreed.

"It is, and it's true. I don't think you'll ever know how much you mean to me." I confessed, biting my lip.

"If it's even half of what you mean to me I'd be a lucky guy Bells." He stroked his finger over my lips absentmindedly. I grinned at him knowing full well he'd never believe me. He never thought he was loveable, but that made two of us. We were the most unlikely couple. I just hummed in appreciation.  
"You know, I could see us doing this a couple years down the line. Could have our own place, kids, a dog… You know?" He admitted, almost anxious that I wouldn't want the same things as him.

"That sounds like heaven." I murmured. I felt like the luckiest girl in the world, my first time had been perfect, and so was he. I knew it wasn't like this for most people, but me and Jake always made sense, we go together so well. It wasn't much of a surprise.

The next morning, I left a kiss on his lips and slipped out, trying to make it home before Charlie and Billy got back from their fishing trip. Later that day Jacob called me from the road, saying that his grandmother was sick and they were going to stay with her in the Makah res for a while, things weren't looking good. We called each other every day, it hurt to hear how with each day he sounded a little more defeated. It had been about 3 weeks since he'd left, and I felt awful, like I had the flu. I woke up one morning and threw up. Charlie heard and was worried sicker than I was, feeling my forehead and threatening to call a doctor.

"You're not too hot… You're not bulimic, are you? You can tell me." He pushed me.

"No, dad, I'm not bulimic. I think I'm just a little sick." I huffed. I stayed off school that day and convinced him to go to work and leave me be. It was about lunch time when it suddenly clicked…  
Could I be pregnant?

My stomach dropped and I threw up again.

My mind was spinning but I had the biggest grin plastered to my face. I couldn't bring myself to think of this as a bad thing, or even a scary thing. It was just a thing, the biggest thing I worried about was that the baby was healthy, if there even was a baby. I hopped in my car and sped all the way to a pharmacy a couple towns' over, not wanting people to talk. I bought a pregnancy test and took it in a public bathroom.

 ** _Positive._**

I dropped the test on the floor in shock, but I don't think I'd ever been happier. I was worried that Jacob might not be as happy, I knew it was going to be hard and stressful, but I had never been this excited about anything. I went home and I was buzzing, I couldn't wait to tell Jacob but this just wasn't over the phone news, so I decided to wait to tell him. I made a doctor's appointment for later that week and skived off school to go to it. I wasn't ready to get Charlie involved in case I wasn't pregnant, if I was he'd have to know sooner or later, I'd deal with it then.

I was pregnant, 100%.

I was so glad when they told me that I could have kissed the doctor. They told me to take folic acids and other vitamins, and I was on my way. I was giddy, like a little girl with a secret, and I stayed that way for a while. Charlie couldn't understand why I was in such a blissful, chirpy mood, but that was okay, all would be revealed in due time. I spent all my free time researching, looking at names, looking at cribs and strollers, and it was eating me up to not tell Jacob. It was a month and a bit before he came back, I was about 12 weeks pregnant and just starting to show… Barely, or maybe it was all in my head but I stood in the mirror obsessing about it, hoping that it was a baby and not bloat that was making my jeans fit a little tight. He drove straight to my house when he got back and I ran into his arms, he held me so tight. I pulled back a little to look up at him, ready to tell him the good news but his eyes were rimmed with tears.

"She's gone." He sobbed, losing hold of the tears as they fell freely. I smuggled him into my bedroom and we laid down, and I let him talk. He told me all about his Gran and how much he wished I'd met her, and what it was like, watching her fade away. I cried about as much as he did because his hurts were my hurts too. We lay like that for ages until he had cried himself to sleep. I knew it wasn't the right time to tell him, he needed a chance to grieve. I would have to keep the secret a little longer. We went through the funeral and the weeks to follow. I knew it was still soon but I couldn't keep the secret any longer, I decided I'd tell him that day. I got out of bed buzzing to tell him, I brushed my teeth and had my morning pee when I noticed… Blood.

Words can't describe what that feels like. The fear. This little life, this perfect creature, was relying on me to keep it safe and I knew something wasn't right. I gasped in pain as I cramped. I was struggling to breath I was so scared, I grabbed my coat and keys and sped to the hospital, still in my pyjamas. They rushed me into a room and started checking me over, but it was like I was in a bubble, couldn't see or hear what was going on.

After a while a doctor came in with a grim face, and I knew before he'd said a word.

"I'm very sorry, but you've miscarried. We'll do everything we can to keep you comfortable." He started. "But you should know, we ran some tests… It's unlikely that you'll be able to carry a baby to full term…" He went on to explain about some cervical nonsense that I didn't understand but I knew it was just the medical way of saying that in a single second, all my hopes and dreams for the future had been taken from me. I felt such an awful sense of loss, I could hear that the doctor was still talking but I couldn't hold back the sobs that wracked my body. He paused.

"Is there someone we can call? You don't have to go through this alone." He tried to be comforting but there was no comfort to be given.

"No." I shook my head, imagining Jacobs face when he heard. No, he couldn't know. Not now, not ever. I knew that Charlie would drop everything to be here for me but the second he knew so would Billy and they'd tell Jake. The doctor left me to myself and I didn't stop crying for a second, the whole time I was there. My pillow was drenched but I was beyond caring.

"I'm sorry little one," I sobbed "I wanted you so much." I couldn't speak anymore as I cried until I couldn't breathe. The pain was indescribable and I was so full of guilt, and that guilt never went away. I called Charlie and told him I was staying at a friend's house, he was dubious but he didn't question me. When I could go home, I sat in my car in the carpark for about an hour before calling the last woman on earth I ever thought I'd seek out. My mother. I told her I wanted to move in with her, and in her usual Renee way she went with it without ever asking a single question. I steeled myself, knowing that the second I tried to leave Charlie's heart would break, and Jacob came into my mind again. I couldn't keep this secret from him, but I couldn't tell him either. I couldn't see him again. For his sake he didn't need to hurt like I did. I couldn't bear to see his face when he realised that I wasn't what he wanted… That I couldn't do what he wanted, I couldn't be the mother of his children. No, he needed someone else, he needed the chance to have it all.

I drove home with purpose, I went past Charlie and straight into my room, frantically throwing things into a suitcase. Charlie followed me.

"What are you doing? What's happened?" He demanded.

"Nothing happened," I lied, filling a couple of boxes. "I'm leaving. I'm going to Phoenix."

"No, you're not. No, you're going to tell me who I need to kill and we're going to sort out whatever happened and you're going to stay right here." He shook his head, cracking his knuckles.

"Nothing's wrong! I just can't stay here, God! I feel like I'm suffocating!" I cried hysterically. "Can't you just let me be?"

He left and I sobbed a little harder, but kept working at it. It wasn't long before Jacob was there.

"Charlie called me, and Bella what the actual fuck are you doing? You're not leaving, just tell me what happened." He shouted, trying to unpack my stuff.

"You can't stop me." I shook my head, telling myself to be strong. "I've got to go, and you've got to let me." I sniffled.

"The fuck I do!" He emptied my boxes and shit all over the floor. I nodded, taking it in. I grabbed my keys and walked for the door, but he got there first, slamming it shut in front of me.

"Jake…" I warned. His eyes locked onto mine and I could see how scared he was, but it would only get worse if I stayed.

"Bells… What about us?! What about that night… you and me?" His voice broke a little as he sniffled, trying not to cry. "You said you loved me, how the hell can you do this?!" He let out the sobs at last, and I did too. "Just stay and tell me what's wrong." He pleaded, but it was too late. I pushed past him and ran for my car. He chased me, but I got in and locked the doors. He knocked on my window shouting, begging for me to stay, I couldn't stop myself from crying, but I started the engine. His hands were ripping at his hair as he took a step back, not even trying to stop himself from sobbing. I wanted to tell him I loved him, that it wasn't his fault but I knew if I did I wouldn't leave, so I put my foot down and sped off. He'd get over it. I cried most of the way there until there weren't any more tears and I put my feelings aside. I felt blank. Empty. Numb. I got to Renee's house without any clothes or belongings, but it didn't matter, as long as I didn't have to face Jake.

I wanted to go back almost as soon as I got there but I thought the only way I could go back was with good news, so I went to every relevant doctor within a hundred miles and they all said the same thing. It wasn't long before I started drinking.

 **Flashback End**

It was hard. I wanted a drink now more than I had in a while, but I just went to the diner and talked to Sue for a bit, just about how hard it's been not to see Jake in so long, and she helped me through but I still needed to see him, I knew this ache that had started in my chest wouldn't go away until I did. I went home, making lots of noise so that Leah would know I was there, in the hopes I wouldn't walk in on anything.

"Hey, I'm back." I called out.

"In here!" Leah called from the living room, so I went and joined her.

"How did it go?" I asked her, trying to distract myself.

"It was good, I mean, we're taking it slow but it's going well." She gushed.

"Aw, I'm so happy for you," I told her, being sincere.

"But you're not happy, are you?" she asked, being one of those people who pick up on everything.

"No, not really. I don't know what I'm thinking but it's driving me crazy, not seeing Jake. I just want 5 minutes even, I just miss him." I vented. She nodded along, listening carefully. There was a pause before she opened her mouth.

"I'm going to get in so much shit for this." She sighed. "He's at Sam's house. That's where you'll find him, Sam will be out at about 11 pm, go then or not at all. I want to be happy for you too and it's hard when you look so sad and pathetic, no offence." She teased playfully.

"Why is he there if he's sick? Why are you going to get into shit for this?!" I asked, incredulous.

"You'll find out soon enough." Is all she said before squeezing my shoulder comfortingly and heading up to her room, all the while muttering 'stupid, stupid, stupid!' to herself. I chuckled, whatever the hell was going on was just weird. Only in La Push, I thought to myself. I watched tv for a while but I was really watching the clock the whole time. When it was about 5 to 11 I set off, vaguely remembering where Sam had said he lived when I met him after Charlie's funeral. I knew I had the right house when I saw Jake's car out front. I got out and knocked on the door, hoping I wasn't waking anyone up. The door swung open and Emily greeted me with a confused smile.

"…Bella! What brings you here?" She asked, blocking the way in with her body.

"I'm sorry," I apologised, pushing past her. "I really need to see him." I explained.  
"Jake? Jake?" I called out, searching for him.

"Bella, he's sick, you need to leave. You can't see him." She tried to usher me out. I pushed open a door on instinct, not surprised to see Jacob laid down in bed with a bottle of Jack Daniels in his hands. Sensing she could do no good here, Emily faded into the background and left us be. Our eyes met and he dropped the bottle, he looked at me like he did when we were younger but only there was more too it. All the hurt, the pain, the anger… It faded from his eyes and he looked like a lost puppy, all cute and pleading as he stood up and walked over to me. He was only wearing a pair of cut offs, seeming to have forgotten a shirt but it didn't matter. I put my hand over his warm chest, over his heavy, pounding heart and buried my face in his chest.

"I missed you so much, you asshole." I cried into his chest. He chuckled.

"You have no idea." Was all he said, wrapping his arms around me. "It's all going to be okay now, I promise." And for that one second, I believed him.


	4. Chapter 4

**AN: WARNING, lemon ;)**

Nothing could have really prepared me for when Sam burst in, ordering Jacob outside in such an authoritative way, I couldn't understand it. I followed anxiously, confused. I don't think they noticed me, seeing as by the time I'd got to the back yard where they'd headed, they were far away enough to have crossed a couple football fields. It was a little hard to see in the dark, but Sam was fuming, shouting and waving his hands; he looked like an angry father. Sam tried to put his hand on Jacob's shoulder, and I didn't quite catch what was said but Jake was so mad he was shaking. I started making my way over there, ready to hand Sam his ass, but as I was approaching Jake fell to his knees. I ran to him, worried and confused even further. He started growling and shaking harder and harder and then Jake was gone. In his place was a chocolate coloured wolf, the size of a horse.  
I stopped in my stride out of shock, I stumbled backwards.

"Jake? Jake!" I screeched, running forwards.

"Bella, go back inside!" Sam barked at me.

"No, I'm not going back inside!" I scoffed, finding my courage and approaching the wolf. I reached my hand out to him cautiously, head bowed, trying not to be threatening. I ran my hand over his shoulder, and then again with a little more confidence.

"You need to back away, you're going to get yourself hurt…" Sam warned me, but I didn't believe him for some reason. The wolf growled at him, bearing his teeth and shaking his head. I jumped a little and the wolf stopped, turning his head to nuzzle and lick me. I couldn't help but laugh, it was like a puppy. I stroked his face gently, looking into the wolf's familiar eyes. Sam seemed to be watching in surprise.

"Jake? Jake, I know it's you in there. I don't know what this is, or what's going on… but I need to talk to you, I need to know you're okay, yeah?" I didn't know exactly what I was asking but a moment later, the wolf was Jacob again, buck ass nude, but my Jacob none-the-less. I sighed a breath of relief as he wrapped his arms around me. He buried his face in the crook of my neck, holding my body flush against his in spite of his state of dress. He just hummed out a deep breath, and so did I. After a long pause his drew back a little.

"It's okay, I'm sorry if I scared you. Go inside, I'll be right in." He, tucked a piece of hair behind my ear affectionately, the way he always did, giving me a squeeze before letting me go. I nodded and went back inside. It only really hit me the second we were apart what I'd just seen. I felt sick, like the world was spinning and turning over. Emily was waiting for me by the door with a sympathetic face. She ushered me to sit down on the couch. She handed me a hot drink and sat down opposite me. We didn't talk until the guys came back in, by this point Jacob had some cut offs on again.

We all sat down and Jake explained to me the legends, how the spirit warriors had evolved to turn into wolves to defend the tribe. He told me about the cold ones, and the story about the 3rd wife, and about the pack. Sam, Paul, Jared, Quil, Embry, Seth, Leah, they were all wolves. I slumped in my chair, heavy laden with this revelation. He explained to me that Sam had ordered him not to see me, or anyone else when he first phased, because it wasn't safe, and sometimes they lose control, but he told me that he would never hurt me, and I believed him. Sam looked like he had something else to add but Jake shook his head at him, but I had too much to think about to worry too much. When he was finished telling me everything, he asked if I was okay.

"Um, yeah. A little surprised, but yeah. I'll adjust." I stuttered out. Sloping down in my seat a little. It was late, and my head was whirling.

"It's getting late, should we go?" He asked me. I blinked in surprise, wondering where 'we' would be going.

"Sure," I nodded. We all got up, Sam and Emily said goodnight and Jacob stole my keys again and started driving. I rested my head on his shoulder, feeling like I could breathe easier already, but it was still bugging me that I'd found him drinking. He didn't know that I knew about his problem, but I didn't care about my promise to Billy, I just had to make sure he was okay.

"So, when I came in… I noticed-"

"The Jack Daniels?" He asked, knowing what I was getting at before I could finish saying it. I smiled inwardly. We used to be like that all the time, it was good to be getting back to it.

"Yeah, I just. It's bothering me. Are you okay? I'm so sorry I've been making things harder for you, I'm sorry I've been drinking around you, and I've been such a bitch, and I'm just worried I guess…" I rambled almost incoherently.

"Don't…" He murmured sadly. "You're never a bitch, don't call yourself that. I deserved it, I was being a dick flaunting Angela at you like that…" He confessed.

"Okay maybe we were both a little wrong," I mediated. "but I'm sorry anyway. If it helps, I'm clean now, and we can get through this together." I tried to encourage him, but he just chuckled.

"My dad told you then? I'm okay, really. I wasn't, but I am now. I was just missing you, and hurting, but it's all going to be fine." He stopped the car, pulling up at a house that I vaguely recognised. When I didn't make any move to get out, he pulled me across into his lap, resting his forehead on my shoulder.  
"You have no idea how perfect this is, how stupidly happy I was that you came to see me. _You_ make me happy." He breathed onto my neck. At first his words made my heart flutter and my chest and cheeks fill with warmth and then I remembered; that I could never give him what he wanted: a family. Maybe I was selfish to let him get close to me like this when I knew it was all going to end again any way but I decided to feel guilty about that later and just feel.

"Jake, you're my sunshine, you always have been. You keep me warm and safe, and without you I'm just a wreck. I can't do it anymore," I shook my head, burying my face in his chest once more.

"Neither can I." He wrapped his arms around me, cradling me against his chest.

"What does that mean?" I looked up at him.

"It means I can't be without you for another second, and I want you to be mine again."

"Jake, I never stopped belonging to you, never." His eyes darted between my eyes and my lips, as if asking permission, which he didn't need. He leant in, capturing my lips so delicately it tickled. My lips turned up into a smile as he grew in confidence, his tongue tracing my lips, as I opened my mouth for him, letting him in. Nothing was off limits to him, I wanted to melt into him, I wanted to give myself over to him, absolutely and completely. He explored my mouth with his clever tongue, his hand working into my hair and tilting my head to deepen the kiss, my hands were clasped together behind his neck as if I was holding onto him for life. We drew apart for air, breathing way too heavily for a little kiss like that.

"You've gotten better at that," I panted, biting my lip. As if he was jealous of me biting it, he suddenly nipped at my bottom lip, pulling it into his mouth, sucking on it slightly, I moaned quietly, loving the way his hungry eyes darkened at the sound. I opened the car door, getting out, and taking him with me by the hand. He led me inside, and I'd barely crossed the threshold before he had pressed me up against the wall, lifting me up as my legs wrapped around his waist. His lips met mine, need urging both of us on. It was all teeth and tongue, until our lips were swollen and tender. When we broke apart for air again, he laid kisses from my collar bone, up to my neck which made me suck in a sharp breath, until his lips found my ear, pulling my earlobe between his teeth, and into his mouth. I whimpered in need as he did it, unable to stop myself from grinding my hips against his which only encouraged him.

Before I knew it, I was being thrown down onto his bed as he peeled layers of clothing off of my body, until there was only my bra and panties left. His fingers set to work on the back of my bra and butterflies filled my stomach. It had been a long time since he'd seen me like this, and it felt weirdly both exciting and terrifying. He slowed down slightly as if he could sense my nerves and peppered kisses all over my chest as he gently slipped my bra straps off of my shoulders. He pressed a wet kiss to my lips as he threw the bra aside, leaving my chest bare against his. My breathing was heavy and erratic, I was dizzied by the sensations of being skin to skin with him again. I felt like I was a virgin all over again, it was all too much, but just enough at the same time. I was overwhelmed and felt crazy, but he brought me back into the moment by stroking his thumb over my cheekbone as he cradled my face. He pulled back a little, unashamedly taking in my naked form, making me blush bright red. I covered my face with my hands, giggling at how silly I felt, but he wasn't having it. He took my wrists in his hands and held them above my head, getting another good, unobscured look in.

"You're so beautiful Bells," He groaned, as if I was causing him physical pain. I pressed my lips to his briefly, unable to find the words I needed. He released my hands as he lowered his body weight onto me, propping himself up on his elbows. He littered my skin with kisses as his naughty hand slipped down to my panties, stroking me gently over the fabric but it was enough to make me realise how dripping wet I was, I whined as he took his hand away, making him smirk. He hooked his fingers in my panties and slowly worked them off, as if he was teasing me, but he really didn't need to, I was wired and full of need as it was. He tossed them aside, coming back up to meet my lips as one of his fingers explored my slick folds, making my hips jerk and tense with each movement. He nipped at my ear again as he slipped a finger into my tight opening. I gasped at how good it felt as he rubbed my clit with his thumb, I was almost there when I realised he was still dressed and wasn't getting any action.

I flipped us over, taking him by surprise as I thumbled with the button to his cut offs. He lifted his hips as I slipped them off, throwing them over my shoulder. His hardness pressed against me through his boxers, and I couldn't stand the fabric between us, all but ripping them from his body. I loved the way he threw his head back into the pillow as I wrapped my hand around his huge length the best I could, remembering just what he liked. He was swearing like a sailor as I worked my hand up and down, until he couldn't take it and he rolled us over again. He spread my legs, positioning himself between my thighs.

"I want to fuck you so bad…" He panted, waiting for the okay. I moaned, shifting my hips to help him as he lined himself up with my entrance. He entwined our fingers as we both took a deep breath before he pushed into my tight, throbbing pussy, stretching my almost virgin walls. I was surprised that it still hurt a little when he was fully sheathed inside of me, but it only added to the feelings. He stayed still for a moment, shaking slightly. I found myself baring my neck to him on instinct, trembling as his nose brushed over the crook of my neck. I moaned but in pleasure and pain as he sank his teeth into my neck, hard enough to make me dizzy. He pulled his teeth out and started licking at the mark, but I didn't think too much about it, after a pause I started to rock my hips against his gently and we built until he was thrusting into me hitting the perfect spot until I was seeing stars.  
"So… fucking… tight…" He moaned against my neck as he nipped and sucked, leaving his mark tender. I didn't care though, I wanted to wear his marks, I wanted him to claim me as his, I didn't care who knew. His fingers started drawing lazy circles around my clit, bringing me closer to the edge. He finally tipped me over the edge as he nipped at my ear again, biting down hard enough to make me yelp, as I reached my climax.

"Uhhh, Uhh, Jake…" I moaned as I came, my walls clenching around him as he found his own release. He was spent. He rolled off of me, just lying there next to me as we both drew in ragged breaths, trying to recover.

"Fucking hell Bells," he cussed, rolling onto his side to kiss me.

"Fucking hell to you too." I panted against his lips.

We both laid there, unfunctional for God knows how long. I don't remember falling asleep but I'd never been so happy to wake up.

"Morning beautiful," Jake pressed a sleepy kiss to my lips.

"Morning!" I yawned, stretching, shocked by how sore I was. My neck was throbbing, and it wasn't great down there from last night. Not missing a thing Jake kissed me again.

"Sorry not sorry," he winked, getting up and throwing me a dressing gown which I slipped on. I missed him the second he was gone.

"Jake…" I whined. He sighed, coming back and picking me up out of bed and carrying me out into the living room and dropping me on the couch.  
"Thank you!" I stole another kiss greedily. It was then that it clicked, why this place was familiar. This was where he brought me that night he found me by the lake. I cringed but pushed it out of my mind. A few minutes later Jake brought me breakfast and sat down at the end of the couch, letting me rest my feet on his lap.

"I've got patrol in a couple hours, but for now I'm all yours." He tugged at my dressing gown, pulling it off my sore shoulder. I slapped his hand away playfully.

"I'm gonna have a shower," I brushed him off.

"So am I then..." He nuzzled at my neck, making me tense a little from where I was still hurting.

"A solo shower you horny bastard" I tutted, getting up and looking for the bathroom, making myself at home. He sighed but didn't mind. I turned on the shower, letting the water warm up as I slipped out of the robe. I had a quick look in the mirror at my messy bed hair, jumping in shock when I saw Jacob's bite. If I was so inclined, I could have counted each and every one of his teeth, it was healing over already, looking more like a scar than a wound. I felt sick, it was getting more painful the longer I looked at it. As if he could sense my discomfort he suddenly appeared behind me, not thinking to knock.

"You alright Bells?" He asked, pressing a tender kiss to the wound. Weirdly, it felt amazing, I had to hold back a moan as he ran his tongue along it. I was already breathing hard and he'd barely touched me.

"I'm fine," I struggled out between heavy breaths. His hands cupped my breasts, pulling my back flush against his front, and that was it. I was lost in the moment, consumed by him.

I drove back to Sue's place once Jake had gone out on patrol, walking stiffly from being with Jacob. The second I walked into the house Leah pounced on me.

"Oh my God! I've heard all about it!" She squealed. "You know now! Wait…" She took a deep breath in through her nose.  
"Why do you smell different?" She frowned, making me cringe at the thought of her having sniffed me.

"I don't know what you mean," I shrugged, sitting down on the couch. She reached out suddenly and brushed my hair off of my neck. Her hand flew to her mouth in shock when she saw the mark Jake had left. I smiled to myself, remembering what he'd done all over again.

"Bella what the hell did Jacob do to you?" She gasped, inspecting it further.

"Things got a little hot and heavy…" I confessed, gushing a little.

"No, no. You don't understand, Bella… He's marked you."

"It'll fade, he just got a bit carried away." I defended him.

"No." She shook her head, a serious look on her face. "It'll never fade, I can't believe he's done this." She looked livid. I didn't understand, but sensing that I wouldn't be swayed she just got up and left. I was stunned by her reaction, I sat there stewing for a long time, pretty much until Jake showed up to tell me he was done with patrol and whisked me off back to his place again, and all was forgotten. Later that night, when we were lying in bed it crossed my mind, so I asked him about it.

"Jake Hunny, what is this?" I asked, pushing my hair aside and bearing his mark.

"Just a lil love bite, why?" He asked, tracing over it with his finger.

"No reason." I lied, stewing a little more.


End file.
